9 Reasons Why The Summer NYC Tourist Are Terrible

9 Reasons Why The Summer NYC Tourists Are Terrible

* Tis the months when an absurd amount of “I HEART NY” shirts are sold.
** These basically apply to any season (spring, fall, winter) tourist to be honest.

1) Two Words: Times Square.
If Broadway from 42nd to 47th Street wasn’t crowded enough who doesn’t loved being pushed and shoved by an extra amount of sweaty, unreasonably happy tourists. DOES NO ONE KNOW THERE IS MORE TO NYC THAN MIDTOWN!??!??!?!?

2) They stop in the middle of the street to take a picture.
Listen people I PROMISE the Empire State Building is not going anywhere and you can quickly move to the SIDE of the street to take your picture and it will STILL be there! It’s amazing I know- plus you won’t cause a traffic jam.. win win!

3) They can’t walk faster than a snail’s pace.
Welcome to New York where our “walk” is your jog. We stop for no one and are ALWAYS in a rush so let’s hustle kids.

4) The death toll is about to rise with these Citi Bike’s.
Calling all tourists. If you don’t know how to ride a bike-don’t ride one here. Also, if you do know how to ride a bike-don’t ride one here. Taxis, other bikers, people, pigeons, etc are all hazards for you tourist bikers so don’t even risk it. Friendly reminder: bike lanes are for BIKERS. They will run you over and it WILL be your fault.

5) Constantly being disturbed for subway directions.
It’s called HopStop.

6) They travel in packs.
Thank you for COMPLETELY blocking the entrance into the MET because I totally don’t mind waiting as your tour group of 8 BILLION MILLION get their tickets.

7) They ask you repeatedly to say “coffee” because of your “New Yawk accent”.
It’s coffee with an “o”. I see no “a” so we’re right. Now let me get my Starbucks and go on with my life.

8) They want a “Star Map” like we’re in Hollywood or something.
Unlike LA we leave our celebs alone in NYC (well minus me-I’ve gotten better. Sorry Nick Jonas.) but anyway you should not stalk someone’s apartment building and we won’t help you with that. Plus they all left for the Hamptons so you’re out of luck.

9) They complain how they wish they lived in New York.
They must have missed our winter weather report this year.

Ranking Of The 9 Best Rides At Six Flags Great Adventure

Ranking Of The 9 Best Rides At Six Flags Great Adventure

* I would like to discuss my credentials for making this ranking. I’ve been a Six Flags season pass holder since I was about 7 years old so that’s basically 14 years of knowledge of “More Flags. More Fun.” Also, at one point in my life I wanted to be Mrs. Six (Mr. Six’s wife- you know that crazy old dancing man in the commercials that made everyone uncomfortable because you were concerned his blood sugar might be way too low to be doing those cartwheels).

9) BATMAN: The Ride.
This ride is making its way to its 21st birthday this season. Which means it’s making its way to retirement in roller-coaster years. Can I get a HALLELUJAH for that?! Sure we have some loops and some corkscrews but it’s basically just a shitty version of Bizarro. LOL at the newbs who wasted a FLASH Pass on this one.

8) Green Lantern.
Well talk about the biggest letdown of 2011. I was so amped when I heard that Six Flags was getting a STAND UP roller-coaster like THAT’S WILD. I even made sure I got my Season Pass early that year so I could “preview” it a weekend before it officially opened to the public. Maybe I expected too much from a Six Flags that was basically bankrupt. This shit is painful as hell. I mean it’s steel and it’s new and I still got the biggest headache ever- like it takes effort to build a ride THIS bumpy. Those civil engineers could be such slackers.

7) SUPERMAN: Ultimate Flight.
Okay props for being super cool in that you are literally like flying in this laying down flat position you are put in for the ride. Anyways… that’s about the only cool thing about this ride. First, the line is always weirdly, epically, unnaturally long. Like why?! This ride is like a second long and sure we have a pretzel loop but not too much is going on. Second, this crap breaks down EVERY TIME I go when I’m usually the next person to go on so anger is at an all time high. It’s 90 degrees outside, I haven’t eaten in 4 hours and I can’t even get on this crappy ass ride. I don’t even want to go on but then what have I been waiting on line for 2 and half hours for. Yup not too many positive memories associated with this one.

6) THE DARK KNIGHT Coaster.
For some reason I am a huge fan of this ride. Lots will disagree with me. But come-on, those quick 90 degree turns and those unexpected mini drops in the dark!? And of course that AIR CONDITIONING because it’s indoors. I have zero complaints.

5) Bizarro.
Quick shout out to the people who actually walk all the way to the back of the park for this one- you guys are true amusement parkers. For all you Six Flags alumni, you know this is an updated and improved Medusa. It’s a floor-less ride which is always kind of cool (when you aren’t wearing sandals- then it sucks). It has its corkscrews, loops, hammerhead turns and the list goes on. But mostly, the special effects are on point. Gotta love that quick flame.. what a fab touch!

4) Dare Devil Dive.
This is called, I think, a “sky coaster” but I can totally be lying right now. Basically it’s like bungee jumping mixed with a little bit of skydiving. It’s weird but it works! Love this ride because every time it still gets my heart racing which is impressive because I’m basically immune to getting scared on any rides at this point in my life. Reason it isn’t higher up on the list is the extra cost. If the $12 Cold Stone I just bought by Nitro didn’t make my wallet hate me already, this is the icing on the cake.

3) Kingda Ka.
Okay so it’s the tallest and fastest roller-coaster in North America (used be in the world but that was a short-lived 5 year title). 128 mph and about 91 Mishes high (456 ft)?! I’m all about it. Personally think the 270 degree twist drop down isn’t the most thrilling part. The whole going from 0 to 128 mph in 3.5 seconds is what really makes you say that quick pray for your life before the ride starts. Wish it weren’t just a drop and there was a little more to the ride but I won’t be a diva with all my demands… but come on, ride’s not even a minute long…

2) Nitro.
CLASSIC. CLASSIC. CLASSIC. LOVE. LOVE. LOVE. JUST STARTING OFF WITH THAT TENSION AND ANXIETY WHEN  SLOWING GOING UP THE HILL BEFORE YOU HIT THAT 215 FT DROP. PERFECTION. Ugh, I just can’t.

1) El Toro.
My life changed in 2006 when this ride opened. First thoughts, “It’s wooden. How bad can it be?”. Man did I get my ass handed to me. That first 76 degree drop at 176 ft starts it all off right. After that there is no stopping. Drop after drop, quick turn after quick turn- you literally get no breaks and it’s hands down the best ride at Six Flags.

SIDE NOTE: So apparently the new drop ride coming this season Zumanjaro Drop of Doom is suppose to be some cray cray shit. 415 ft high (tallest in the world) and 90 mph. Like it’s going to make Hollywood Tower of Terror look like a bitch. Keep an eye out.

And Now A Moment Of Silence For These Lost Thrills…
R.I.P Batman & Robin: The Chiller (1998-2007)
* NOTE: This was honestly one of my favorites. Summer 2007 was a dark time for me at Six Flags.
R.I.P Medusa (1999-2008)
R.I.P Great American Scream Machine (1989-2010)
R.I.P Rolling Thunder (1979-2013)
* NOTE: #finally

9 Starbucks Drinks That Define You

9 Starbucks Drinks That Define You

* These baristas are totes judging you right now with that order.

1) Caffe Americano.
You mean business. You’re not here to play games. Coffee has a definite purpose in your life and that’s to wake you the hell up. Enjoyment is not on your list of adjectives describing your coffee experience. Sure with every sip it tastes so horrible that you are pretty positive you are doing permanent damage to your taste buds, but if it gets you through the night writing this 8-page paper on art history that’s due tomorrow morning well- you gotta do what you gotta do.
* Fun fact: Dis my drink!

2) Iced Coffee with Milk.
You probs ordered a “medium” instead of a “grande” and never been to Starbucks before. You were under pressure and the long list of options was not helping and straight just intimidating- I get it but really!? You’re a newb and Dunkin Donuts is down the block for next time.

3) Java Chip Frappuccino.
You’re not a coffee drinker. Actually you hate coffee and all the extra crap put into this drink completely cancels out any slight trace of coffee flavor and you love it. You give zero shits about your sugar intake. “Hey a “grande” of this stuff has double the amount of daily sugar intake I should have… maybe we’ll skip on the whip cream then?”

4) Caramel Macchiato.
You’re a follower and just want to fit in.

5) Decaf Pike’s Place Roast.
I don’t even get people who order decaf coffee so you’re still a mystery to me. Honestly if someone can explain to me the purpose of decaf coffee because shit makes zero sense. Like.. I’m actually at a lost for words. Only explanation is people who drink decaf coffee are aliens.

6) Shaken Iced Passion Tea Lemonade.
It’s probably super sunny out and you’re headed to the beach and everyone knows the Passion Iced Tea “pink” color makes for the best Starbucks Instagrams like #NeededNoFilter- so this was the go to choice.

7) Cookie Dough Frappuccino.
Bitch knows about the secret menu.

8) Iced Skinny Flavored Latte.
Can I have an iced latte with non-fat milk, sugar-free syrup and no whip to add to my painfully miserable life? Basically just post a sticker on your forehead “Hi. I am on a diet and my life is hell.”

9) Orange Mango Smoothie.
LOL you thought you were in Red Mango. Like seriously what are you doing here? Go back to yoga.

The Days Of The Week As Told By Instagram #Hashtags

The Days Of The Week As Told By Instagram #Hashtags

* For you dinosaurs who don’t use Instagram it is a world filled with Starbucks coffee and sushi images.
** Listen I’ve definitely used all these hashtags in an annoying way and probably will in the future so let’s not take anything personally. Everyone is annoying as fudge on social media and if you don’t think you are.. guess what, you’re worse.

1) Monday.
On Mondays we hate life because well… our misery of a full week of waking up early and being productive has only just begun. Even though we hate life on Mondays us ladies love Instagram on Mondays. Why? #ManCrushMonday or #mcm for you lazy typers. Whatever brillliant soul started this hashtag trend please let me know your address because I want to personally send you a “thank you” card. What better way to cure a case of the Monday blues with your newsfeed on the gram filled with half naked men with six packed abs? Nothing, nothing is better.

2) Tuesday.
Tuesdays are BFFs with Mondays so we don’t like them and the hashtag on Instagram is not so great either. #TransformationTuesday is usually a post of someone comparing a picture of themselves in their ugly awkward stage from middle or high school to a more recent picture of them at a wedding after they got their hair and make-up done to remind everyone they got hotter. Thanks for the update and we all know you used the X-Pro II filter to make yourself tanner.

3) Wednesday Part One.
Hump day! Misery is half way done and bliss is coming our way! But as a chick I could live without Instagram on this day. Oh hello #WomenCrushWednesday for stomping on my confidence for the next 24 hours. Who doesn’t want to see beautiful *photoshopped* models on their newsfeed all day long!? But we need this #wcw because let me tell you I never miss Wednesdays at the gym because of it. I hate swimsuit models but thanks for the motivation hunny.

4) Wednesday Part Two.
Oh, and #WayBackWednesday will never catch on. Just like the word fetch… it’s not going to happen. Give it up and just wait for tomorrow for your throwback, okay? Chill out.

5) Thursday.
Thursdays aren’t that bad. The weekend is right around the corner and for most college students it is the weekend so HOORAY! But on Instagram Thursdays are miserable. #ThrowbackThursday or #tbt is honestly the worse hashtag trend EVER. Newsfeeds are filled with baby pictures (what a surprise EVERYONE was mad adorable as a child and I’m over it), regular throwbacks of people and their friends from a few years ago (literally NO ONE gives a shit about these ones) and the people who just don’t understand what a “Throwback” is and post a picture from three days ago (you’re doing it completely wrong).

6) Friday.
It’s the weekend finally and life is becoming beautiful and amazing again. As for life on Instagram no one really gives a shit about hashtags because they care more about where they are spending their happy hour later on. We do have #FlashbackFriday (for people who completely missed #tbt) which is barely abused or even used for that matter… but I’m totes not complaining about that.

7) Saturday.
100% the best day of the week. Usually the day you have a cute day out with your ladies going shopping or getting your nails done. Lucky enough you can rub in everyone’s face how wonderful your life is by documenting your activities and going on the Instagram using #SaturdayShenanigans because if it isn’t posted on Instagram it totally does not even count.

8) Sunday Part One.
Another day to brag about your day and that amazing Sunday brunch you had using #SundayFunday!

9) Sunday Part Two.
Not that you really need this hashtag to post a selfie because you know no matter what day of the week you’ll be posting a good selfie if you got one but #SelfieSunday makes it a LITTLE more socially acceptable to do so.

9 Signs Of Being Short

9 Signs Of Being Short

* This was my short national TV appearance on the Price Is Right. And by “short” I mean in every meaning possible.
** I am a victim of all these problems being 5’2”…5’3” on a good day. Life dream: 5’4”.

1) Swimming Is Hard.
This place is not the “shallow” end. Everyone is standing up in the water totally casual and us shorties over here are about to pass out from exercise exhaustion because we’re treading water like no tomorrow because if we stood up we would be drowning.

2) People Think You’re Dumb.
I guess short people remind people of other short people who are usually little kids? I’m not sure what it is but just because I’m the height of your average 8th grader doesn’t mean my education level stayed behind with my growth hormone in middle school.

3) You’ll Always Be Just “Cute”.
Forget about being hot, sexy or anything else unless you hit that over 5’4” mark at best. You’re forever “cute”. Suck it up and walk away from the slutty halloween costumes this October- you can’t rock it.

4) Concerts Suck.
You can not see SHIT. Literally on your tippy toes the whole time to the point your calves are getting fatigued because your stuck in a crowd around freaking giants. Glad I drop hundos to see everyone in the crowd’s asses and four peeks at the stage tonight.

5) Amusement Parks Sometimes Can Be Your Worse Enemy.
Pretty sure I had my driver’s permit before I was tall enough to be the driver on the bumpers cars at Six Flags… and everyone knows there is nothing worse than being the passenger on bumper cars- just the definition of misery. I call bullshit.

6) People Think You Walk “Slow”.
Listen up. Each of your “one” steps is equivalent to three steps for us. Running, biking and simply walking is much more physically exhausting for us so give us a break- we have short legs.

7) Road Trips Suck.
Why? Guess who gets designated bitch. Middle seat in the back we meet again. Are we there yet?

8) Clothes Shopping Gets Rough.
Every pair of pants I own has been hemmed (helpful tip to my fellow shorties: just try on capris to avoid another overpriced trip to the tailors) and every dress I try on fits like a maxi-dress. The struggle is pretty freaking real.

9) You’ve Embraced It.
Like the way overused, not even funny anymore, phrase says, you’re “fun-size” so it’s all good.

9 Types Of People At The Bar/Club

9 Types Of People At The Bar/Club

 

* Above are essentials to surviving the night at a Bar/Club.

1) The Dancer.
This person is the wild one. They are literally just going out to have a serious good time. They know every word to every song and by the end of the night they got their cardio done for the week. Also, don’t hate on them. If it weren’t for them starting up the dance floor, the bar would look like a middle school dance.
** Obvi I’m number one. If you know me you know I have a signature dance move called the “Mish Hop”. It’s totally killer.

2) The Creeper.
This guy is usually super older than the average age group at the bar (roughly about 10+ years). He is alone. He has a drink in his hand along with a disturbing mustache on his face. He is “people-watching” all night in a similar fashion a “Peeping Tom” would.

3) The Texter.
Why this person left their home is the real question because honestly it is like they are not even here. They are glued to their phone to the point of creating complete disconnection with everyone around. You can usually find them leaning against a wall or sitting in a corner with their bright iPhone light shining on their face. They look up occasionally to see if their friends are still around but they’re more worried about no lapse time in-between their text messages and how many likes their pre-game Instagram photo got.

4) The Way Too Wasted Person.
This person is GONNNE. They pre-pre gamed then pre-gamed and now their just at the bar killing it and it’s only 11pm. They thought drinking five shots along with two Long Island Iced Teas all within an hour or two was a smart move. They’re kicked out by 11:08pm.

5) The Way Too Sober Person.
This is the DD. This person quickly realizes how much going out “sucks” and how “immature” everyone is. This person has a bitch-face on at all times and should be avoided at all cost.

6) The Couples.
We have two types of couples. The fun couples who get drunk and party it up with ALL their friends. We like these ones. We also have the terrible couples. They usually do not get drunk but instead go outside by a wall and just talk to each other the whole night and forget this isn’t their dinner date at The Cheesecake Factory and it’s time to socialize with others.

7) The Complainer.
Drinks cost money?! There is a cover charge?! Did you see who is here?! How are we getting home?! Typical questions of the complainer. Always something is going “TERRIBLY” wrong and they have a list of things that they need to worry about RIGHT NOW.

8) The One With The Tab.
This should be your best friend.

9) You.
If you’re reading this blog post you are 100% awesome so most likely the chillest person at the bar. Like we should probably pre-game together this Saturday.

9 Things I Don’t Get About Guys

9 Things I Don’t Get About Guys

*That Y Chromosome Really Switches Things Up

1) Why Do Half Of You Only Workout Your Arms And Chest?
Listen we notice chicken legs. You are not fooling ANYONE. Not everyday can be chest and bicep day, okay? You have other body parts my friend – let’s not forget.

2) Why Can’t You Say He’s Hot?
You know we know you know (still with me?) if some guy is hot or not, so ADMIT IT. What do you mean, “How am I suppose to know?” Maybe because you have EYES with this sense called sight. Do your eyes suddenly become blind and your judgement simply diminish when you look at a guy? You don’t even have to say he’s hot- just say handsome. Like what is the big deal!?

3) What Is With The Wolf Of Wall Street?
What is with this OBSESSION with the Wolf of Wall Street movie? Like don’t get me wrong. It’s universally agreed, well pretty much a universal fact, that Leonardo DiCaprio is amazing and every film he’s in is meritorious but the film is not like my new Bible or anything. I mean I would see it again- but then it’s back-to-back-to-back replays of Titanic is all I’m getting at.

4) Boobs or Booty?
What is more important? I just want to know so I’ll know if it’s worth doing those extra set of squats at the gym tomorrow.

5) Why Can’t You Put Down The Toilet Seat?
I promise it is SUPER simple. Just tap the toilet seat in a downwards motion and gravity will do the rest for you.

6) Why Can You Eat So Much?
Why can you eat eight 3-course meals a day and not gain weight? What is this magical gene you have? And why do all your meals need to include steak or bacon? Also, why when you do one crunch you get a six pack? WHY? WHY? WHY?

7) Why Do You Like Beer?
It tastes like carbonated liquid aluminum. Why do you drink so many of them- do you hate yourself that much? Also BP is fun but this isn’t an Olympic sport or anything so let’s chill out about this- everyone knows playing BP well is SO all about luck and honestly no one cares if you’re undefeated.

8) Video Games- Seriously?
How can you spend 6 hours a day playing Call of Duty? Do you know it isn’t real? Don’t you know you’re not 12-years old? Don’t your eyes burn at one point?

9) This One Blows My Mind. WHERE IS YOUR BAG?
How can you leave the house with just a wallet and iPhone? Where can I buy this miracle wallet that fits everything? Like where do you place your snacks, water bottles, lipgloss, gum, headphones and book!? Are you all secretly Mary Poppins?????

My confusion is overwhelming and now my brain hurts.

 

9 Reasons Facebook Was Way More Exciting During the 2007-2009 Era

 9 Reasons Facebook Was Way More Exciting During the 2007-2009 Era

*Well at least my Facebook experience was way more incredible.
**Probably wondering why I used a picture of me skydiving for this blog post. The excitement expressed in this picture is equivalent to the excitement I had when my mom gave me permission to make a Facebook. I wasn’t allowed to have a MySpace so this was a big day.

1) People Used To Play FarmVille.
I have FarmVille to thank for my serious consideration of a career in agriculture. Nothing was worse than waking up to dead crops. School night? Doesn’t matter I had an alarm on my phone for months set to go off at 3:49AM to water those badboys. Worth the serious sleep deprivation? Completely.

2) People Used To Post Videos On Each Other’s Walls.
Remember when people actually utilized the option to write on each other’s walls when it wasn’t just their birthday? Not only did people have legitimate conversations on Facebook walls but people used to post VIDEOS. YES! Mini heartfelt homemade motion pictures. Nothing was more special than receiving a 5:32 minute video post on your wall from your bestie of them lip-singing to High School Musical’s Start of Something New. I mean people really cared about each other back then.

3) People Used To Have Legit Pictures.
Loved the days when using your new digital camera on weekends while you were out wasn’t deemed as social suicide. Shit was on point. I had so many tags it was unreal. Now with these blurry iPhone pictures how is one supposed to update their profile picture every 5 days like we used to? It just isn’t the same.

4) People Used To Write Notes.
Actually, I hated Notes. Answering 298 questions that NO ONE would read. Or getting tagged in someone’s Note and actually being forced to read their answers to 298 questions just to realize you were only tagged because of the question, “Who was the last person you texted?” and it was you. #seriously?

I’m actually LOLing reading this Note because this is a perfect example of how BORING they were. Like who gives a FLYING DUCK if I ever write in pencil anymore!? I want to punch my 16 year old self in the face for wasting valuable minutes of my life making a shit ton of these notes and using the wrong “then” in the title.

5) People Used To Have Edited Pictures.
Before Instagram editing pictures actually took effort and serious talent. I mean look at this picture below- SO sassy. This was the true start of the graphic designers industry. Thanks Picnik!

Photography credit goes to Kaitlin. Personally huge fan of the speech bubbles.

6) People Used To Have Really Dumb Facebook Statuses That Look Hysterical Now.
No explanation necessary- I’ll just leave this screenshot here. Just like, what?

Thanks Steph- I tried super hard to make that status have some real serious meaning to update everyone on my true exhaustion. Super glad you totes understood me on that one.

7) People Used To Post MacBook Photos.
Get the new MacBook Pro for college? Better have had a whole album dedicated to you and your friends snapping over 309 photos using the Photo Booth. If you didn’t you might as well have not even have gotten the Pro. Let’s be real it’s just like Instagram and food: no picture? Never happened.

Before “selfies” was a real term. We were visionaries.

8) People Used to Poke.
I used to love “poking”. Then I learned this was a feature created and used exclusively for pedophiles.

9) It Introduced Us To Cyber-Stalking.
I’m just saying admit it-  you seriously do not want to know how many hours you wasted on Facebook during this era looking at your best friend’s older brother’s ex-girlfriends best friend’s cousin. How’d you get on their Facebook page? These are the things only God knows.

9 Signs You Live On Long Island… Well Nassau County

9 Signs You Live On Long Island… Well Nassau County

1) You Know New York Bagels In General Suck… Only Long Island Bagels Are Straight Gold.
I’ve been all around New York. Everyone’s bagels are bullshit. Listen up- Long Island Bagel Cafe is the ONLY place you should be getting your bagels unless you want cardboard. Truly us Long Islanders are the real bagel queens and kings and we have a disturbing number of “24 hour” bagel cafes to prove it.

2) The City Is Far… Like It’s Annoying.
Being a professional commuter to the city for about three years now I quickly realized the city is way too far. This is why the only time you’re going into the city at night is for someone’s birthday (who has a summer birthday because the city in the cold SUCKS). Better not miss that 2:39 AM train or welcome to the 4:54 AM death train home.

3) You Have Minimum 29 Frozen Yogurt Places In Your Town.
When the hell did this happen? It’s like four years ago overnight frozen yogurt dominated our lives. And stop with this self-serve! I don’t want to know how many people used their bare unwashed hands at that toppings bar.

4) You Love The Beach.
We only get a solid 3 months of beach weather in New York. So when it’s over 75 degrees and even if it’s cloudy as shit and a rain downpour you can bet your ass I’ve already been at the beach for hours. The beach is abused during those summer months… those poor Long Beach residents have no parking in front of their homes from June to August.

5) You Have Stereotypes For Each Town.
I don’t want to start any trouble but I am just going to throw out some names of towns and you take matters into your own hands… Hicksville, Garden City, Freeport, Great Neck  and well the list goes on…

6) You Go To Some SUNY School Upstate Or Know Someone Who Does.
I’m pretty positive it’s a prerequisite and admission requirement to be from Long Island to go to Buffalo.

7) You Shop At Three Locations Exclusively- Roosevelt Field, Target and Your Local CVS.
For clothes Roosevelt Field murders all competition. Roosevelt Field even has a pool somewhere in there (Hey you fitness X-Sport members!). Also, I am almost certain heaven looks exactly like Target. When in doubt, if I need to buy something but not sure what- I find myself making my way to Target. There is always SOMETHING you can buy at Target- like how have you gone SO long without those awesome hot pink bean bag chairs in your room!? As for CVS… the store is simply on point. Gotta love those epic coupon receipts you get and those extracare bucks!

8) Your Night Ends At The Diner.
Any weekend night ends with eating at the diner. I can’t remember the last time I had waffle fries when it wasn’t 2AM…

9) You Love It Here So Shut Up.
Complain, complain and complain but deep down Long Island is your home and it’s pretty chill. Listen up. Go to basically any midwestern state for more than 2 days and you’ll be begging to make your way back here since you’ll be so bored it will PHYSICALLY hurt you. On that note be happy you’re from Lawng Guyland…

PS- If you like the photo attached to this blog post check out my iPhone photography Instagram @photographymtc

9 Signs You’re Italian

9 SIGNS YOU’RE ITALIAN

*I have a feeling I am going to keep this list of “9” going

1) You Don’t Have An “Inside” Voice.
You literally do not know how to “lower your voice”. On a daily basis I am asked why am I screaming. Maybe our voice boxes are set up differently from the rest of the world, who knows?

2) You Have Pasta At Least 3-4 Times A Week For Dinner.
Just trust me- pasta is basically its own food group and is necessary for survival. How you crazy dieters cut out pasta (let alone carbs) to me is mind blowing.  Oh- and us Italians know we most definitely have pasta on Thanksgiving every year.

3) Holiday Meals Are At 3pm.
This one pisses me off. WHAT THE HELL IS THIS MEAL? Is it late lunch or early ass dinner? It can’t be both. Why? Because cutting out an entire meal is a sin. WHY COMBINE TWO MEALS INTO ONE? It just comes down to math. Two Meals > One Meal because simply you get to eat TWICE not only ONCE.

4) 99.9% of Family Conversations Are About Death Or Food.
My grandma plans her funeral every time the family gets together. I know where she wants to be buried down to what outfit and shoes she wants to be buried in. Keep in mind she is not sick or super elderly- like she is still kicking it. As for food, this Christmas dinner my family discussed what meats we should be having on EASTER.

5) You Physically Can Not Speak Without Using Your Hands.
I have been accused of physically assaulting four people because I was throwing out hand gestures while having an innocent conversation. I could have a full conversation exclusively with hand motions- it’s basically a second type of sign language we got going on here.

6) Two Words Guaranteed to Make You Vomit- Olive Garden.
I do not give a shit how many free breadsticks or how much salad you shove in my face- this “ITALIAN CUISINE” sucks. Your tomato sauce is most definitely canned- enough said. As for people who order pasta or any type of Italian dish at a restaurant.. if they also have hamburgers or chicken wings on their menu just don’t do that to yourself (cough cough Applebee’s).

7) My Cousin Vinny Is Hands Down Your Favorite Movie.
Why? Because every Italian has that cousin Vinny.

8) Most Likely You Have Great Olive Skin.
All you need is one day at the beach in the summer and you’re all set with your golden glow. Also wonderful side effect of our skin: never getting a sunburn.

9) You Would Not Change Your Heritage For Anything.
You couldn’t be more proud and grateful for being Italian. Okay true- if you weren’t Italian you would probably be 10 pounds lighter but cannolis are worth it.